Jul 9, 2010

Un-toilet trained kids

We've all seen the babies with open-crotch underwear and pants (开裆裤). You know, where the baby needs to do a number one or number two, and mom scoops the kid up, opens their legs like the Thanksgiving turkey, and they spray the contents of their bladders into whatever gutter or tree is nearby? It's a great thing for the environment, and surely cuts down on landfill waste a lot. Definitely old news about the open-crotch pants. I'm very used to seeing the Thanksgiving turkeys, and babies walking around half-naked. It's very natural and normal after a while.



One day this week, however, I saw two instances of waidi (transplant) parents letting their very old kids urinate and defecate in public areas as if they were still two years old. Two in one day.


Instance one: the giant crap into a Ralph's bag

(Probably not really a Ralph's bag, but wouldn't that be odd if it were.) I was walking through a crowded, well-maintained area of Beijing. Many people were going about their lunch break, hustling about in their office attire to get to their next meeting. To the left of the sidewalk, I saw a six year-old girl squatting over a plastic shopping bag. The non-Beijinger mom was squatting beside the six year-old with one hand on the side of the bag so it didn't blow away in the wind. The six year-old proceeded to take a crap so huge that an NFL linebacker would be proud of it. It plopped out right into the center of the plastic bag. This happened literally twenty yards away from a public toilet inside of an office building. On the steps of the office building were a gaggle of office workers, witnessing the giant crap, like the audience at an amphitheater.

How can someone let their older child, who should be toilet trained by that age, do something so inappropriate in a public space, in full view of tons of office workers? You can't blame a six year-old for anything, of course. This is one hundred percent bad parenting, and a case of a transplant acting like a countryside yokel in a place where you should act like a civilized person.


Instance one: pee-pee in the garbage can

Beijing, as of the 2008 Olympics, has a bunch of new subway lines and trains that would be the envy of any big city. I was waiting for the train in one of these fancy new subway stops, when I observed another mom, a non-Beijinger, who had picked up her five year-old daughter and was balancing her over the top of a three foot tall trash can. The kid was taking a nice, long pee into the trash can, right there in the subway station, with at least two hundred commuters mulling about. Don't kids know that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trashcan? Aren't they worried about that?




Again, there was a public restroom in this fancy new subway station, right on the platform, not fifty yards away. Amazing, stupid parenting again.


Solution

Idiot parents: here's how you solve the problem of having to let your six year old crap and pee in public like a misbehaved dog:

Read this article on potty training. Here are the two key points:
  1. "Most children have a bowel movement once a day, usually within an hour after eating."
  2. "Most children urinate within an hour after having a large drink."
Let me translate that back into Mandarin just in case:
  1. 你的崽子每日会拉一次个巨大屎。 它一般会吃饭后一个小时拉。
  2. 你的崽子喝饮料后一个小时之内会撒个大尿。
[Note: Please leave a comment with a better translation if you have one, thanks!]

From what I can see in that article, kids are supposed to be basically potty trained by 2-3 years old.

I think with some rough math calculations and very basic advanced planning, our idiot parents can start to integrate themselves more into mainstream society.

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