May 29, 2010

Lessons in bidet usage

There's nothing worse than taking a number two and only having dry toilet paper to wipe with, is there? I prefer to carry a little pack of Wet Ones when I can (thank you Howard Stern for the tip), but if I don't have them I'll make do-it-yourself Wet Ones with the restroom's paper towels and some water.

I was very pleased during a recent trip to Europe to find that Italian hotel bathrooms come equipped with bidets. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon, so I've not had any training with how to use these things. All I know about bidets is from what I've seen in Crocodile Dundee, where he turns on the bidet, and the water spurts up from the middle of the bowl three feet high.

This is how the bidets look in Italy:

Note that there is only one hole at the bottom, which is for the drain. I thought that bidets have two holes: one for the drain, like a regular sink, and then another water spout, right in the middle, to shoot a stream of water upwards onto your nether bits.

I was totally perplexed. The only way to get water to come out of the bidet was to turn on the main faucet, in which case it sprayed directly downwards, like a regular wash basin. I'm thinking, what's going on? Don't you folks know that my B-Hole is upwards, not down?

So my first morning at the Italian pensione, after a very productive eight-ounce bowel movement, I decided to try and figure out the bidet.

I think to myself, "Ok, so the water doesn't spray upwards like in Crocodile Dundee. That must mean I'm supposed to plug the bidet, fill the bowl to the brim with water, and then sit my filthy rear end in the water and swish it around."

I proceed to fill the bidet up with water, as you can see in this picture:

Just before I plop my rear end in the bowl of water and make it look like Lipton tea, I have a realization: maybe the head of the faucet swivels!

I try swiveling the head faucet. It moves! After you use the toilet, you can point the faucet head of the bidet in the appropriate direction, and position your rear end in front of it to get a complete cleaning.

Here's the faucet pointing as far upwards as it will go:

It only points horizontal, but it's enough to get the job done. I thought I knew everything about bidets from Paul Hogan, but now I know different. Happy bideting.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish more of the world would adopt Japanese butt-washing toilets, commonly called "Washlets" although that is a specific brand (made by Toto). You can buy a "bidet seat" to retrofit any toilet, as long as you have water (well, duh, it's a toilet) and electricity (may have to add an outlet).

6:56 AM  
Anonymous bidet seat said...

bidet seat is the right choice

8:36 PM  

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